Days like this...

We wonder how man can be so cold, so heartless. Jesus would soon say they did not know what they were doing. If Jesus can overlook such abuse, knowing that man is ignorant, how much more should we overlook words and actions that offend us? He did nothing to deserve the abuse. But oh how many times we have. He has been so gracious to forgive our ignorance. Let us forgive others for theirs.

Prayer: Take a moment to thank Him again for enduring this abuse for you.

(taken from Daily Devotions)

Today is of those days that I am seeking God more than a normal day. Last night seems to have spilled into this morning. Connie and I decided to ride last night. As we started our ride, it began to rain. The predicted sunny, 60 degree day turned quickly into a cloudy, crisp, windy, rainy day. We had already tacked up and Connie was in the ring riding. As I prepared Capri'ella to enter the ring, she became more and more frazzled. She was tense, and jumpy.

Before riding Connie and I went to Cheshire Horse tack store to get leather flashes for our bridles to fix the horses from playing with their mouths so much while we exercised them. During that trip, Nick was testing my patience. I have battled with anxiety my whole life. A test of patience, can quickly put me on edge. I have been working on my coping skills. I have gotten better, but even with deep breathes, rationalizing, and prayer, my anxiety often over takes my mental and physical state to a point that I am just on edge for a while. It is so frustrating at times. Mentally I know my anxiousness is out of proportion to what I am dealing with. I just can't seem to shake those feelings, or talk myself out of it. I tend to over analise things. Changing my thought process is helping, but it is still very much a battle.

So, going into my ride, even before the weather took a turn, and Capri'ella became anxious, I was a little tense. I have been doing the "One step at a time" approach to try and overcome my fears. I focus on the simple task at hand instead of worrying about what might happen. Kinda goes like this...I am just going to get her out of the paddock and groom her. Now I am just going to tack her up. I am just going to lead her in the ring and walk  her around....that how far I got. She got jumpy prior to entering the ring. It started to rain a bit heavier, and she was agitated. She has a history of pulling her head up when you let her run free in the ring. She pulls the lead out of my hands and takes off before I can get her halter off. This is the only vice I have found she has(thankfully). I have worked on it, and she has improved leaps and bounds. Last night, as we got close to the gate, I could feel her anticipation and energy. She was like a horse at a starting gate ready to explode. I stopped at the gate. I exhaled so she would relax. I waited at the gate trying to calm her and relax with her. She seemed to settle down a bit. I cautiously opened the gate. Slowly walked her in. As I proceeded to shut the gate...BAM! She took off. Saddled, and with her reins dangling between her legs, My heart is in my throat. One wrong step on those reins, and she could do some serious damage to her mouth with that metal bit. Connie and Kalli were riding in the ring. Kalli didn't even react. (She has gotten so good) Connie, knowing my battle with anxiety, and being very confident, immediately dismounted and handed Kalli to me so she could try and catch Capri'ella. At this point, my whole body is shaking. Such a handicap. What I would give to lose this anxiety. Makes me feel like a wimp. Like a failure. Connie was able to catch her. She proceeded to ride her a few laps, just to make sure Capri'ella knew if this was an antic to avoid having to exercise in a light rain shower, she wasn't going to win. 

After we put the horses away, we were cold, wet, and tired from stress. Connie went home, and I headed inside. As I walked through the house, I discovered Alexis didn't pick up her messes. Grrrrr....I headed up to confront her. She is on my bed, IPOD in hand, teary eyed. My Lexi bean has been a little twitterpated. Her first crush started a week ago. Kind of like those little grocery carts kids get to use in the stores. They get to play shop with a little carriage. Its supervised, and Mommy lets the child role play. This is similar to how we approached Lexi's first "boyfriend". She went bowling with him on a supervised date. She got to say she had a boyfriend, and she chatted with him on the Internet. Well, as these things typically go, he "likes" someone else. Her first broken heart. I hugged my little girl. I told her this comes with the territory. That there will be many more, and in the end, he is the one losing out. I told her this is typical of boys, and this wont be the last. She smiled at me, and shook it off. The best part...she wanted to be with me the rest of the night. We watched TV together, and acted silly. All was in the mend, and we headed for bed.

Here's where it runs into today. I have one of those mornings, where my gray roots are showing (yuck). It was a struggle to get Nick ready and to school on time. Thankfully with some good effort he was on time. I went to Gourmet Donuts to get a coffee reg for me, decaf for Lexi bean. The woman at the window has in the past been snippy, and kind of rude. I am usually good with these kind of people. I try to be extra nice, and kill them with kindness. My mistake...I decided to get a different flavor. Took me about 2 questions to make a decision.... and the big mistake...I didn't say iced. She started making Lexi's hot. I quickly, and kindly said "I'm sorry, that is supposed to be iced. Well, that was it. She was CLEARLY agitated with me. She started shoving things around to make it clear to me. She spoke to me like I was an idiot in her tone of voice. I waited patiently. As she repeated the order to me, I agreed again confirming it was the same, just iced. I left there feeling like I just got in a fight. I didn't react to her behavior. I stayed calm, and polite. Yet, I was so effected by her negative, miserable attitude. When I got home, I was looking forward to checking in on facebook, and my e-mails. As I read update after update, I felt worse. Is every one having a bad day today?? So many negative comments, and status updates.  These are the days I know I need to get closer to God. The days when praying and devotion have the power to grab a hold of this day and spin it into a GREAT day. If we didn't have days like this we would never seek him. On a scale of seriousness, this all is very small. My prayer is that I can get to a point where I am unaffected by the world around me. Where my peace and joy are tied into my Faith and knowing my joy is mine. I want to be steadfast, and unflappable. There will always be rude, negative people to encounter. Its not personal. If it wasn't me it could have been the person behind me. I want to be a positive influence on others instead of taking a negative impact from them. I am feeling better already! Every day is an opportunity to learn, mature, and grow. With out the bumps in the road, we would never have the opportunity to improve. For that I am grateful!