Stepping back, and evaluating....

It is Thursday, April 26th, after 9 pm. This week has been a whirl wind! I am ambitious, excited, and exhausted all at the same time. Spring has sprung, and along with it a heavy plate of Spring preparation with the barn, and clean up.

Getting the horses fit for show season means 2-3 hours added on my schedule to work with them and exercise them. In addition, we have to recover the tack room, ring, yard/paddocks from the Winter months to make life easier while working out there. Then we have the yearly Spring care plan..vaccinations, equine dentist, and new Spring shoes from the farrier.
 I know it will get better, but it feels like I am running a marathon at times. Almost like when I waitress ed and we hit the rush hour. Juggling a million tasks, between the kids, the horses, and the regular house chores/errands.
 I have been able to accomplish allot over the past week, but after reading my past posts I realised I may need to step back and evaluate my daily schedule. Satan knows our weakness's. He knows how to sneak in, and peel us away from what is most important. He is good at masking it with what seems very important or necessary. Even adding a little, "This is temporary" to let is squeak by. This week, I haven't spent any time with the kids. I haven't read any devotions, or scripture. I haven't even watched my Joyce Meyers recordings that I have grown to enjoys as much as I did Oprah! I have been fixated on accomplishing all my to do's.
 Balance, I need to step back and get some balance in my days. If today was my last day, my priorities would change dramatically. So, here's to tomorrow! Life is a series of choices. I choose to make an effort to learn and improve. Evaluating is part of that process I believe.
As a whole, I am grateful and content with where I am today. I look forward to what is in store, but I can be happy with what is undone, unfinished, imperfect, and see the silver lining in whatever comes my way.
Contentment, discipline, growth, and humility. I am watering my mental garden. One of my favorite points Joyce makes ~ We are in control of our thoughts. We can choose to replace negative thoughts with things that are good, honest and true. Don't allow yourself to think or talk about anything negative. Identify the thoughts and words, then stop, and don't think on them or say them. Think about good things, talk about positive things. I have chosen to no longer talk about being anxious. I spend too much time venting and complaining about it. To the point I think I mentally highlight it and make it even worse.
So, again...here is to tomorrow. A new day, with new possibilities. Memories to be made, and moments to be shared. Good night, and God bless!

Spring is in the air!

It's Wednesday, the third day in on April vacation. After a few weeks of difficult events, I am thankful for this week of many positives. Lexi's tutor experienced the passing of her dear mother in that string of bad events. She had to take a break from teaching Lexi. My heart breaks for her, and she is in my prayers. Please say a few for her and her family.
One of my good friends connected me with a school teacher that had been lay ed off. She has been coming to the house and working with Lexi every day. Alexis has two weeks left of school! She is doing wonderfully, and for that I am so grateful. Nick has been recently diagnosed with Acid reflux. We have made some diet changes, and he is on an exercise routine. He is improving. We are also addressing some concern he is dealing with anxiety. He is his mothers son. He will be receiving counseling in school to teach him coping skills when he gets anxious. For this I am also very grateful. All the horse kids are doing well. Caja seems to have injured herself while kicking up her heels in the paddock. She is on a break, and treatment plan. Seems to have strained something. Some time off, and TLC and she should be back in the exercise routine. I am thankful to have three other horses, which allows us to keep riding, and not be hindered while one horse is off. I am thankful for GREAT friends that have a passion for horses, and love to share riding along with the list of chores with me. Riding is more fun with a friend, and chores get done in a wink when you have helping hands! I feel so blessed to have such positive, genuine people in my life with great value's.

So here we are April vacation. The grass is getting greener. The buds on the tree's are sprouting. The peepers are peeping. The temps are so comfortable. We have so many exciting projects taking place around the farm, and house's. We bought the house next door. Referred to as house # 2 by Nicholas. It has been gutted and the layout has been changed. We have 3 acre's added to our horse farm. This second house will give us the opportunity to continue to live next to the in laws, but with a little more privacy, and space. We love having Chad's parents so close, but we all get a little cramped sharing a two family home. Its been almost two years since we looked into the house next door. We put it in God's hands, and decided if it was meant to be God would open the doors. I am excited about the opportunities this venture has opened up for us.  New beginnings...a new Spring. Just the beginning my favorite Seasons. Warm air, campfires in the backyard. Late night rides. The kids swimming in the pool, trips to the beach, star gazing at night. YES!

Here are a few pictures from Easter and the past weeks.....


                                  Lexi and Nick hunting for eggs at Grammy Wilder's Egg hunt!

                                  Thirteen on the 23rd of April! Can't believe she is a teenager!!

                                            Checking out his basket of goodies at Grammy's.

                                       Alexis had a lesson on her horse Kalli after a long break from each other. Kalli is in training, and Lexi is learning and growing on our school Master Caja. While Caja is off, Lexi is riding the other horses. She had an AMAZING lesson on Kalli. Kalli has improved so much already! So has Lexi =)

                                           Our Mare Caja. Looking amazing for an old lady!

                                           Connie, my riding side kick, and amazing helper!

                               Kalli is going so well this year! Connie has done wonders with her.

                                   Princess las been sound so far! After a long battle with lameness issue's, my fingers are crossed she stays sound!

                                       Capri'ella is the newest addition to our barn. She has the sweetest temperment, and so much potential.

                                                      His smile makes my heart swell!

                                       Like father, like son. This is Kennedy, our niece. Chad LOVES babies. He hogs any baby he can get his hands on. He was like a robber that left the bank with loot, when we left Casey and Dawn's house to babysit Kennedy at home. He had to fight Nick for her though. Nick was just as obsessed with her as Chad was!

Days like this...

We wonder how man can be so cold, so heartless. Jesus would soon say they did not know what they were doing. If Jesus can overlook such abuse, knowing that man is ignorant, how much more should we overlook words and actions that offend us? He did nothing to deserve the abuse. But oh how many times we have. He has been so gracious to forgive our ignorance. Let us forgive others for theirs.

Prayer: Take a moment to thank Him again for enduring this abuse for you.

(taken from Daily Devotions)

Today is of those days that I am seeking God more than a normal day. Last night seems to have spilled into this morning. Connie and I decided to ride last night. As we started our ride, it began to rain. The predicted sunny, 60 degree day turned quickly into a cloudy, crisp, windy, rainy day. We had already tacked up and Connie was in the ring riding. As I prepared Capri'ella to enter the ring, she became more and more frazzled. She was tense, and jumpy.

Before riding Connie and I went to Cheshire Horse tack store to get leather flashes for our bridles to fix the horses from playing with their mouths so much while we exercised them. During that trip, Nick was testing my patience. I have battled with anxiety my whole life. A test of patience, can quickly put me on edge. I have been working on my coping skills. I have gotten better, but even with deep breathes, rationalizing, and prayer, my anxiety often over takes my mental and physical state to a point that I am just on edge for a while. It is so frustrating at times. Mentally I know my anxiousness is out of proportion to what I am dealing with. I just can't seem to shake those feelings, or talk myself out of it. I tend to over analise things. Changing my thought process is helping, but it is still very much a battle.

So, going into my ride, even before the weather took a turn, and Capri'ella became anxious, I was a little tense. I have been doing the "One step at a time" approach to try and overcome my fears. I focus on the simple task at hand instead of worrying about what might happen. Kinda goes like this...I am just going to get her out of the paddock and groom her. Now I am just going to tack her up. I am just going to lead her in the ring and walk  her around....that how far I got. She got jumpy prior to entering the ring. It started to rain a bit heavier, and she was agitated. She has a history of pulling her head up when you let her run free in the ring. She pulls the lead out of my hands and takes off before I can get her halter off. This is the only vice I have found she has(thankfully). I have worked on it, and she has improved leaps and bounds. Last night, as we got close to the gate, I could feel her anticipation and energy. She was like a horse at a starting gate ready to explode. I stopped at the gate. I exhaled so she would relax. I waited at the gate trying to calm her and relax with her. She seemed to settle down a bit. I cautiously opened the gate. Slowly walked her in. As I proceeded to shut the gate...BAM! She took off. Saddled, and with her reins dangling between her legs, My heart is in my throat. One wrong step on those reins, and she could do some serious damage to her mouth with that metal bit. Connie and Kalli were riding in the ring. Kalli didn't even react. (She has gotten so good) Connie, knowing my battle with anxiety, and being very confident, immediately dismounted and handed Kalli to me so she could try and catch Capri'ella. At this point, my whole body is shaking. Such a handicap. What I would give to lose this anxiety. Makes me feel like a wimp. Like a failure. Connie was able to catch her. She proceeded to ride her a few laps, just to make sure Capri'ella knew if this was an antic to avoid having to exercise in a light rain shower, she wasn't going to win. 

After we put the horses away, we were cold, wet, and tired from stress. Connie went home, and I headed inside. As I walked through the house, I discovered Alexis didn't pick up her messes. Grrrrr....I headed up to confront her. She is on my bed, IPOD in hand, teary eyed. My Lexi bean has been a little twitterpated. Her first crush started a week ago. Kind of like those little grocery carts kids get to use in the stores. They get to play shop with a little carriage. Its supervised, and Mommy lets the child role play. This is similar to how we approached Lexi's first "boyfriend". She went bowling with him on a supervised date. She got to say she had a boyfriend, and she chatted with him on the Internet. Well, as these things typically go, he "likes" someone else. Her first broken heart. I hugged my little girl. I told her this comes with the territory. That there will be many more, and in the end, he is the one losing out. I told her this is typical of boys, and this wont be the last. She smiled at me, and shook it off. The best part...she wanted to be with me the rest of the night. We watched TV together, and acted silly. All was in the mend, and we headed for bed.

Here's where it runs into today. I have one of those mornings, where my gray roots are showing (yuck). It was a struggle to get Nick ready and to school on time. Thankfully with some good effort he was on time. I went to Gourmet Donuts to get a coffee reg for me, decaf for Lexi bean. The woman at the window has in the past been snippy, and kind of rude. I am usually good with these kind of people. I try to be extra nice, and kill them with kindness. My mistake...I decided to get a different flavor. Took me about 2 questions to make a decision.... and the big mistake...I didn't say iced. She started making Lexi's hot. I quickly, and kindly said "I'm sorry, that is supposed to be iced. Well, that was it. She was CLEARLY agitated with me. She started shoving things around to make it clear to me. She spoke to me like I was an idiot in her tone of voice. I waited patiently. As she repeated the order to me, I agreed again confirming it was the same, just iced. I left there feeling like I just got in a fight. I didn't react to her behavior. I stayed calm, and polite. Yet, I was so effected by her negative, miserable attitude. When I got home, I was looking forward to checking in on facebook, and my e-mails. As I read update after update, I felt worse. Is every one having a bad day today?? So many negative comments, and status updates.  These are the days I know I need to get closer to God. The days when praying and devotion have the power to grab a hold of this day and spin it into a GREAT day. If we didn't have days like this we would never seek him. On a scale of seriousness, this all is very small. My prayer is that I can get to a point where I am unaffected by the world around me. Where my peace and joy are tied into my Faith and knowing my joy is mine. I want to be steadfast, and unflappable. There will always be rude, negative people to encounter. Its not personal. If it wasn't me it could have been the person behind me. I want to be a positive influence on others instead of taking a negative impact from them. I am feeling better already! Every day is an opportunity to learn, mature, and grow. With out the bumps in the road, we would never have the opportunity to improve. For that I am grateful!

Today and every day, I am trying to improve...

Every day I wake up, I know I have choices. These series of choices develop into my day, my week, and so on. They effect my contentment and happiness. They effect the people around me.What time I go to bed at night. When I get up in the morning. What I feed my mind and thoughts. What I choose to do every day.What I listen to. If I choose to think on things that are good, honest and true, or allow myself to think on negativity. If I choose to give in this life, or take. Having true empathy. Empathy and compassion for people that have hurt me.  Forgiveness...true forgiveness. The ability to stop over analyzing things. I know I am of the flesh "human", and I WILL make mistakes every day. These choices I make have the power to determine the person I choose to be, and the quality of life I will have. Also, how I influence others around me.

I choose to be a better me EVERY day. It is  a choice that requires a conscious effort. A choice I can't make alone. I have tried, and failed. It amazes me when I sit and compare my struggles before I really invested in my relationship with God, and today. Jesus take the wheel. I wish I knew years ago how much easier life is when I am really plugged in to God. I always believed. I was brought up in a Christian home. It wasn't until the last 7 years of my life that I started seeking. Just getting a few minutes every day to talk to God. A few minutes to read a devotion, or a few scriptures in the Bible. Its the difference between expecting results on a diet with out exercise, and getting faster results with exercise. With out both, you don't get the same results. It takes discipline, but the rewards are great. He wants his people to live in abundance. To have peace, happiness, and contentment. He will give that. I have found nothing else in this life that heals, satisfies, or blesses like my relationship with Christ.

So, I try to acknowledge what I do or don't do that cause me to be unhappy. Discipline is my new friend. I am a work in progress. Balance is a key factor in these challenges for me as well. I tend to be an all or none kind of person. I find that discipline is 30% harder when you are your own enforcer. So much easier when you have someone else to be accountable to. But, hey...I like a challenge! (Most days..lol)

So today being Monday, the day I call recovery Monday....after the usual hectic weekend, I am choosing to take time for me. My house is a mess. I have to muck the horses paddocks. I have backed up laundry. I would like to exercise the horses, and sit down with Lexi to go over her school work schedule. As I write...I am feeling anxiety!! Deep breathe. It's OK if I don't ride today. Its OK if I start cleaning in an hour. Its OK if I get Lexi situated when I am done here. The world will not explode. I will not get a fail stamp on my head at the end of the day. It is one day. The chores will be there, and It will all get done eventually.

I have been wanting to start a blog for weeks now. I like the idea of keeping a journal, and sharing my thoughts. I like that my kids can look back on it someday, and really know who I am. I like that it allows you to stop and really think about life and the series of events that collectively and personally describe our own. I feel like I am often trying to check off a to do list, and the really important things get pushed aside for tomorrow, or "When I have time".Things like, taking the kids for a bike ride. Playing a board game. Doing Lexi's hair and makeup for her on her first date. (Making me choke up)  I have recently heard myself say to the kids day after day, "I wish I could do that with you." or, "Maybe tomorrow". Often telling myself the same thing about doing things like writing a blog, or taking any time out for me.

So here it is...I finally started it! Today I am going to try to start taking the time to smell the roses. With discipline and God's help, I will try to let the little things go that get in the way of sharing moments, slowing down, and finding balance between the "to do list" and the opportunities to live, laugh,and most important love. <3

On that note...here is a picture of my very happy Newly 7 year old Nicholas having his cake, and gleaming over his new helicopter toy. We let him pick out a few gifts at the store, and bought cake and ice cream to celebrate on his Birthday. There is still a party to come, but we wanted his actual Birthday to be special!